


God, Guys Are So Stupid

by snowhoe



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: AGANST, Fluff, M/M, also niall totally texts like that, basically baz gets outed, i mean thats not the plot but, i was thinking about love simon, maybe a dash of that, we stan dev in this, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowhoe/pseuds/snowhoe
Summary: “It’s just the way that he looks at you sometimes. When you’re not looking.”“Yeah, with spite. Duh.”“No, not spite. I can’t really explain it. It’s very intense. Passionate. Fervent. Pick your word, I don’t know, but what I do know is that Micah has never looked at me like that.”“Yeah, because Micah doesn’t hate you!” Simon all but yelled.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 3
Kudos: 148





	God, Guys Are So Stupid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [me](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=me).



> okay, i just wanted to say a few things:
> 
> one) i h8 when people make agatha the villain, so yeah. that wasn't gonna happen here. she just thinks boys r stoopid and she's gonna move onto girls (or no one) (aggie may be aro/ace) (i'm beyond cool with that)
> 
> two) i'm here, i'm queere, and i'm here 4 you
> 
> three) uh oh spaghettio oh, i don't fuckin know if malcolm would be homophobic? maybe he likes homes. i don't know,, but he not the kindest here. however, i believe that peolple can change their mindest if they really wanted to, and i think malcolm would try. for his son. for my son. for our son. that's right, i birthed that idiot.
> 
> four) simon is a grade A idiot and would 10,000000% jump head first into on-coming traffic if you know what i mean
> 
> five) it's 4:47 A.M., i'm social distincing the sheet out of myself, and the amount of red marks in this list is atrocoous, but they are all intentional. i would have good grammar and spelling if i wanted okai
> 
> six) my inner adam parrish came out when i said that simon wouldn't want a phone
> 
> seventh) i do not allow the shipping of micah & penny--those hets lost all their rights

For Simon, it all started at breakfast. 

He was eating his scheduled helping of cherry scones with Penny as he determined whether or not to bring the subject up. The only things he had on his mind at the moment were scones and Baz. The former was a breakfast food--a very tasty one, may he add--and the latter was a boy he had not seen outside of class for about five days. Somehow, Simon chalked up Baz’s absence to being annoyed at Simon, life, anything really. But it had been five days now and he was starting to worry. A lot.

Letting Baz get the best of him, Simon said, “Okay, look. Pen, I know you don’t want to hear me talk about Baz. Sometimes, I don’t even want to talk about Baz. But he’s vanished and he might be plotting something.”

The look Penny gave him was a new one. He’d only ever really seen this one when they were in the library studying together. “What do you mean ‘plotting’?”

“What do you mean ‘what do you mean “plotting”’?” When Penny gave him that same look again, Simon continued, “Well, uh, you know. Casual Baz activity. Plotting my end, of course.”

It was like someone put a silencing spell over Penny. She just sat there and stared. Under the pressure of her gaze, Simon stuffed more scone into his mouth. Was this her new reprimand for when he talked about Baz? Silence and some scary looks?

Thankfully, Penny spoke again. “I just don’t understand what you mean, Si.”

“I mean,” Simon said, starting to get agitated, “where is Baz? I only see him in classes, and when I do, he won’t look up from his paper. He’s never at breakfast or lunch or dinner, either. Like, look! He’s not there. Just...where is he?”

“Do you really not know?”

“Yes! I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.” He was beginning to yell.

“You...you haven’t heard?”

_ Heard what?  _ Simon thought. “Heard what?” Simon recognized that she was thinking. Think about what exactly? He didn’t know. Did the world end and no one bothered to tell him? He wanted to keep pestering her until she blurted it out, but Simon wanted her to ease into it if it was serious. He wasn’t very good with anything serious.

Funnily enough, so much in his life was serious--the Humdrum, the war,  _ the way that he is practically a bomb.  _ The only way Simon can get through all that is by laughing through it. Attempting to be a good guy. Trying to fix the messes he’s caused.

“Okay, you’re scaring me, Pen,” he said after a couple of minutes of some very uncomfortable silence. “What is it?”

She sighed. “I’m just not really sure how to explain this. It isn’t exactly one of our topics of specialty.”

“Just try...I guess.”

“So, you know how the Mage lifted the phone ban, yes?” He nodded. “Right. Well, you don’t know this because, despite my protests, you didn’t want one.” Simon began to open his mouth to protest, but Penny shushed him and kept talking. He figured it didn’t matter anyway, it’s not like they haven’t had the conversation before. He didn’t want handouts.

“There’s an app, Instagram, full of normals, and Watford has an account. For, like, school spirit or whatever people with pep like to do.” She paused. “There’s this option for a story, which people can view and it goes away after a day-”

“I don’t see how this is relevant.”

“Shh, I’m getting to it. This is background info. Anyways, someone put a story on the Watford account. It was about Baz.”

“What about Baz?”

“Merlin, Simon, will you let me get to that?”

“Yeah, uh, sorry,” he whispered, picking up his long, somehow, forgotten scone and took a bite.

“It was a photo. Of Baz.” Another pause. Simon wondered what the photo was of. Him playing football? Maybe he was doing some spell that he shouldn’t be able to do yet. Probably. Posh idiot.

“Si...he was kissing another boy. Whoever posted it had the intention of outing him. And they did. I heard his family didn’t even know.”

That was not to be expected. “Wait, wait, wait. What?”

“It was some cheap-shot of Baz kissing a boy--who, is probably that kid from seventh year who’s all out-and-proud, but his name escapes me--behind the bleachers. But yeah. I presume, which isn’t a good thing to do, but we’re discussing it anyway, that he’s gay. I’ve never seen him take any interest in girls, unless you count Agatha, which I don’t. But I have seen him take an interest in boys.”

“You’re telling me that Baz likes boys.”

“Yeah.”  _ Oh, that’s new.  _ “Wait, you’re not…”

“Oh! No, no, no. I mean, I’m cool with it. Why wouldn’t I be? It’s just that I’ve never really thought of Baz in that light before-- Wait, who do you think Baz likes?

Penny gave him that same look as before. It said, “simon you’re really stupid” and “what are you talking about” and “are you serious right now.” He really, really hated that look. Giving away the squint in her eyes, Penny looked a bit shocked. She said, “Oh, okay. You actually don’t know. Again. You are thick, Merlin. You, Si. I think he likes you.” Simon reacted poorly, of course, so she spit out. “Or liked. Past tense. He was kissing that guy, so you never really know.”

Simon didn’t know what to think. He felt that scone coming up a bit. That was something to think about. “No. Baz hates me. That’s ridiculous, why would you say that?”

“It’s just the way that he looks at you sometimes. When you’re not looking.”

“Yeah, with spite. Duh.”

“No, not spite. I can’t really explain it. It’s very intense. Passionate. Fervent. Pick your word, I don’t know, but what I do know is that Micah has never looked at me like  _ that. _ ”

“Yeah, because Micah doesn’t hate you!” Simon all but yelled.

“Calm down. I don’t mean that Baz is shooting daggers into your brain when you aren’t looking. Quite the opposite, actually. He looks at you like he cares about you a lot.” Simon began to protest. “No. If you really want to talk about how he feels towards you, do it with him. For the love of all things holy, talk to him, not me.”

Simon made a noise that resembled  _ ugh.  _ “Fine. Maybe I will.” 

He stood up to leave. This conversation was so much. “Oh, and Simon?” He turned around and looked at Penny. “Tell him that I hope he’s okay. I wouldn’t want my sexuality plastered all over the internet if I were him.”

With that, Simon started to worry about how Baz was doing. He never thought about that before.

* * *

For Baz, it started with a text from Niall. 

It read:  _ dude you couldve told us _

Baz:  **_Told you what?_ **

Niall:  _ that youre gay. me and dev wouldntve cared _

And that’s when he started to panic. Some parts of Baz, if he recalled it, don’t really know what happened after that text. He knew that he started breathing really hard and his hands were shaking. He knew that Simon had said something along the lines of “keep it down, Baz.” He also knew that, somehow, he found the story on the Watford Instagram. Niall nor Dev told him about it, so he assumed he just found it.

Slamming the bedroom door, Baz raced down the stairs. He needed air fast. Once he got out of the building, he started to cry, cradling the phone in his hands. The tree he sat against wasn’t comfy, it being a tree and all, but Baz didn’t really care.

He was kind of hoping that Simon would’ve heard the slam and followed him outside. If not out of worry, then to yell at him. But Simon never came, whereas the tears did. 

* * *

Baz didn’t sleep that night. Or any of the following ones. He knew Simon probably heard the second he woke up from Gareth or Trixie or Agatha. It was a matter of time till Simon went on a manhunt to find Baz and...well, Baz didn’t really know what he would do. Maybe yell. 

That never came, though. From Simon, anyways. He did get a lot of texts from his father. 

_ Basilton. I’m not going to lie, I’m disappointed in you. _

_ Why would you choose this lifestyle, son? _

_ We’re going to have a talk when you get back.  _

A couple, thankfully nicer texts from Fiona.

_ I wish you would’ve talked to me, Basil. I’m your aunt.  _

_ Seriously, text me back. Your father is steaming. Don’t text him back.  _

And one from Daphne.

_ I love you no matter what. _

Baz cried over that last one. He never really talked to Daphne, and when he did it was never something exuberating love, so he didn’t know what he did to deserve that text. (When he told her that much, she laughed and said, “People don’t earn love. They just get it.”)

The only other people who actually talked to him were Dev and Agatha. 

When he saw Dev, it was two nights into sleeping in the catacombs. He was exhausted, his whole body ached, and he desperately needed to lay in his bed for a few minutes until the next class. So, during lunch, he snuck his way up to his and Simon’s room.

Right as he made it to the stairs, however, he saw him. Dev was sitting on the stairs waiting. As if Baz was some sort of prey. Before he could run away, Dev saw him. “Baz! Wait!” And much to both of their astonishment, he did.

Whipping around, Baz said, “What? What could you possibly want?”

“Hey, chill. You haven’t been to breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the last three days. I just came here to talk,” he replied, hands up as a sign of surrender.

Baz sighed.  _ This may as well happen,  _ he thought. “Fine. Spit it out.”

Apparently Dev wanted to have the conversation while sitting. Once they were both seated on the stairs--Baz one below Dev--Dev said, “You don’t have to ignore me and Niall, mate. I know you’re probably thinking of a million ways that you could run away right now but don’t. We’re here, you’re queer, and we’re fine with it.”

“Uh,” Baz said, eloquently. “Thanks…”

“Now, will you please come to lunch?”

“No. No way. Everyone’s there and Snow...just no. I can’t.”

“You gotta eat, mate.”

“I’ll find my own ways. I’m very resourceful, you know.”

It seemed like Dev didn’t want to push the point any further, so he said, “Okay, well, we’re here for you when you do want to come back,” and walked away.

Then, the next day, Agatha caught Baz walking to his potions class. She grabbed his arms and pulled him into a hallway that went to some guidance counselors office. 

He immediately jerked away, but she caught him again. “You’re gay, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“Don’t act dumb. We’ve all seen it.” Baz continued to stare at her, so she carried on. “I need to know if you were serious when you flirted with me. Then, I’ll let you go.”

Not being able to look into her eyes, Baz sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Of course, you were just fucking with me. Of course. God, guys are so stupid,” she said, marching away.

* * *

Baz was surprised that, after five days, Simon hadn’t stalked him down. Maybe Simon just didn’t want to see him at all. Was he weirded out by it? Baz thought that that would’ve been worse than if Simon being outwardly homophobic. At least with those kinds of people, you know that they’re being hateful. The silent ones are the ones that really hurt. 

But Simon was too nice to be homophobic, surely. There wasn’t a bad bone in his body, and that was one of the many reasons Baz loved him. He was  _ so  _ good.

His luck ran out, though. When Baz climbed to the top of Mummer’s tower and saw Simon on his bed, Baz about walked right out. He wanted to. He really wanted to turn around. Forget that idiot’s face and run to Italy.

As he headed to the bathroom, Simon cleared his throat. Baz turned around, and when he saw Simon, his heart hurt. Everything he’s ever wanted right there. One boy. 

“Penny told me to tell you that she hope’s you’re okay.”

Baz made a show of rolling his eyes because he’s difficult. “Oh, great. Tell her thanks for the pity.” (He knew it wasn’t pity.) (He very much did appreciate the sentiment.)

It was midday and bright and Simon’s face was nothing of the sort. Instead of getting riled up he just looked...sad. Baz hoped that wasn’t for him. He wanted many things from Simon Snow, but pity wasn’t one of them. 

“I didn’t know.”

“What, Snow?”

“I didn’t know about... _ you know _ , until today. Penny told me at breakfast.”

“You’re telling me that I haven’t been sleeping in my own bed for  _ four days _ for absolutely nothing?” 

“Aha! So you have been avoiding me.”

“You’re missing your precious lunch,” Baz said. Somehow hearing Simon say that he knew Baz was gay calmed Baz’s nerves a bit. Now that this conversation was over, they could both go on with their lives. It was a win-win situation, really.

Simon shrugged. “It’s alright. I wanna talk to you.” 

“You can barely keep a conversation with a tree, Snow. I wouldn’t bother.” He was starting to leave when Simon grabbed him by the arm. It wasn’t as forceful as Agatha, though. If Baz wanted, he could pull out of it easily. 

“Please...just. Are you okay?”

Baz looked him in the eye. “No, Simon, I’m not okay. Is that what you wanted to hear? My third biggest secret--third to only two things, which I will definitely not name--got out, and quite frankly I’m scared to go back home when the end of term comes around. Now, will you let go of me?”

They were extremely close, Baz realized. Simon was still holding onto his arm, grip tightened after Baz told him to let go. If Baz leaned over an inch or two, he would feel Simon’s chest rising and falling on his own. Those thoughts were dangerous, intoxicating. There was no drug that made you feel like Simon did. 

The staring wavered when Simon blurted out, “Are you and that boy dating?” 

Simon couldn’t meet his eyes, but if he did, he would be met with Baz looking confused. Until, that is, he realized that Simon had been talking about Richard. Richard Polony, one of (three) Watfod’s resident out gay men. Well, one of them was probably bi. Baz wasn’t sure of anyone’s sexuality. Not like he cared. The only person’s sexuality, other than his, that he cared about was Simon’s.

“No. He was more of a confirmation than anything else.” Baz would date him if there wasn’t this gigantic elephant on his chest--or, more specifically, his heart.

“Did it work?”

“What?”

“Did kissing that guy work?”

“First off, his name is Richard.” The presence of Simon’s hand was still very clear. “And Secondly, sure. I guess it worked. Can I go-”

Suddenly he’d been cut off by Simon’s lips searing on his.

Baz’s brain was short-circuiting everything that wasn’t: _ Simon Snow is kissing me.  _

And that he was. At first, the kiss was awkward, but when Baz regained control over his boy and finally  _ moved _ , he bent over, giving Simon more access to his mouth, and put his hands on Simon’s waist, giving himself more access to Simon. 

He had no clue why Simon was kissing him, but with his hands on Baz’s cheeks, Baz figured he didn’t care at that moment.  _ Maybe in a few minutes,  _ Baz thought _ , but not now.  _ Simon pushed him against the door--not roughly, though. This was probably the only time he’d ever been gentle with Baz.

When they had to pull back for air, Simon tapped his nose against Baz’s 

Eyes closed and still breathing heavily, Baz asked, “Why’d you kiss me?”

“Confirming something.”

Baz laughed at that. “Oh? And what’s that.” He may have sounded playful with that choice of words, but he was scared out of his mind. 

Simon tapped their noses together again, and when Baz opened his eyes, Simon was smiling. “Whether I like you or not.”

Baz’s heart had officially stopped working. “What’s the jury say on that one.”

As he was holding his breath, Baz realized that Simon might have crescent moons on his waistline, so he held him a little looser. 

“I do, yeah. I like you,” Simon said looking directly into Baz’s eyes. 

Since Baz ruined everything, he said, “What about everyone else?”

Simon’s smile stumbled. “This isn’t about everyone else? It’s about you and me.”

“There’s a war between us, Snow.” Baz, resistantly, pulled his forehead off of Simon’s. “This would end in one thing: mutually assured destruction.”

“You don’t seriously believe that, do you? We could stop this war thing!”

“With what, a wedding?”

Simon shrugged.

_ Well, that’s new. _

When he saw Baz’s face, Simon said, “I mean, I don’t know. But if you don’t give us a chance then there’s no way of knowing.”

“Of knowing if you want to marry me?” Baz had no idea what this conversation was. They kissed once.  _ Once.  _

“Look, Baz, I might’ve spent my life fighting you, but I’ve spent it with you.” Simon’s hands were on his neck, playing with Baz’s hair. “I don’t know if I’ll like you ten years from now, ten months from now, or even ten minutes from now. But do I like you now. And I’m begging you, please, if you want to be with me, try.”

Baz didn’t know how he did that. How Simon could just jump headfirst into on-coming traffic and hope for no injuries? He was basically promising marriage to Baz after... _ what? A two-minute-long kiss and some talk about feelings? _

“I don’t know, Snow. What if you don’t like me?”

“I’ve spent almost eight years of my life not liking you. I don’t think I have any more left in me. Besides, I don’t think I ever properly hated you. I mean, every time I complained about you there was always some sort of compliment in there. Like, ‘Oh, Baz is such a git. You know what rhymes with git? Fit! Because he is.’”

Baz laughed and let himself have this with Simon. “You’re an idiot, Snow.”

"You called me Simon before.”

“Did not.”

“Did too,” Simon fired back, with a triumphant smile. They both knew he did. “Do you like me, though. I mean, the kiss and stuff kind of gave it away, but I wanna hear you say it.”

Baz sighed. “Of course, I like you, Simon. That was my biggest secret.”

Baz knew that everything would eventually be okay. Not because the boy he loved (possibly) loved him back, but because that’s how things were with Simon. They were always going to be okay.

They ended up missing their next class, though. 

**Author's Note:**

> readtheravencyclethishasbeenapsa


End file.
